It feels like it’s been an extremely long time since I have worked on “the Book.” Still today I sat down and worked. Worked hard and with great attention on what I am doing. Which is good and all till I got in my own way. It feels like I have not worked on “the book” in some time and as I finished another edit and started laying the pages for that shoot in the book is when I started to overthink, over analyst, and start to worry that what I have done and was doing was not good enough. In a moment I was freaking out over which pictures would make it in to the book and then the next all I could do was wonder if my work has been good enough to finish this book.
It’s like learning how to ride a bike, your training wheels are off and your dad is no longer holding on and you are rolling along fine till you lose your balance, you panic because you don’t know what to do to fix it, and then you fall; you sit up and look at your scratches wondering if you were even able to ride your bike with out any help. But that is when you have two choices, you put that bike in the garage for the summer or you learn from that fall and remember everything you learned while the training wheels were on.
Now I’m not saying I am putting the bike in the garage or not going to finish this book, because I am and I am going to do it with everything I have left in me. But I learned that when these thoughts known as doubt creep in I go back to what I have learned from Sarah. Some days its hard to look back, because in what I have learned from her is also mixed in with the pain of losing her, but if I don’t look back, if I don’t remember why I am doing this, or why this is so important then I have lost so much more, and we all have lost enough. It’s amazing how in my frustrations I try to give myself a peep talk, or try to find something that shines light on to these moments that make me think that my work is in vain and in that moment I remember something I just read the other day. This amazing random quote that read…“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up”
And that is it. Simply put, that I shall not give up. Because I have hope in what I am doing, what we are all doing. I have hope that this book will be more and mean more then what it was intended to be. That it will make a difference and in that difference we all will be able to remember what Sarah stood for, who she was, and how much love she had for all of us.
Thanks you so much for reading, for support and for loving Sarah and for loving me. It’s one of the things that has helped through this adventure of working towards fin.