Two years or seven hundred and thirty days if you want to be technical. But in a odd way that feels like forever and then at the same time not so long. Still its another year past of learning how to live life after tragedy. I think thats why after a war or battle or unpleasant event they call the time after everything has calmed down, the aftermath. Which to me is an odd word, aftermath. I guess people use that word because they mathematically try to calculate how long it will take to rebuild, to heal, to learn a new way of doing things when something has been broken and can’t be fixed. But that word seems so cold and has no hope or life to it, because I know for me, for us that math and numbers can’t help, they just put a timeline to our live.

I will be honest with you, I don’t know if I will ever sleep well the night before today, I don’t know what this day will hold anymore, and I am not sure what next year will look like. But in the not knowing I guess that is where you find hope that something better is to come, something better is out there and we just need to hold on because we will get to find that something that is so much great then this tragedy. I guess I am just holding on to the idea that there has to be some kind of good from all of this. Maybe its the book, or maybe it’s the reminder to live a life like Sarah did, one that was filled with love and passion. Or maybe its something that I will never see or come to know and if thats the case I just hope that something good comes.
So, I don’t know if you fell apart today, I don’t know if you are still putting back together parts of your life because of this. But I know this day will always be uncomfortable because of what it holds. For me I am going to Art Prize (something I have a love and hate for) with two of Sarah’s and my closet friends. The day will be filled with remembering the better times and not dwelling on the these past to years. Today may even be underscored by sleeping at last. I know in the mist of trying to find good, there will be break downs, sad silent moments, tears, and even messages of people that they are praying for me and for us. But even in all of that, I hope you press on and live with love and passion as we learned from Sarah.
We had a year of morning and now another year has past.
I always feel like I am lost for time. Not knowing how long things have been. I used to know. After Sarah past I could tell you by the day how long she has been gone. till something changed and it was not about remembering the how long, but fighting a battle to just remember her. Remembering her smile, he laugh, how she would scrunch up her noise and talk in a high pitch voice when she was excited. It’s more about remembering the person then the time they have been gone. I hope that is what you do today. You remember her. You remember how she lived, what she meant in your life, and the wonderful moments you had together. Remember those things, because in the darkest of days, when we fill them with joyful moments they don’t seems as dark.
I love and miss you Sarah.
“Cry wolf, cry mercy, cry the name of the one you were raised to believe
Cry heart, cry yourself to sleep, cry a storm of tears if it helps you breathe
It helps you, if it helps you breathe” -Sleeping At Last



The sweetness of a 7:30pm drive

It was 7:30pm on Friday when I started my drive back to my new “home.” The sun had already started its beautiful color show as the sun set for the night, so the moon could join me for the last half of the drive. It was an amazing drive, the sky was magnificent, and the music was soft and calming. But, that was not the best part, the best part was I was leaving my brother and sister’s from seeing the final edit of the book. I saw the final layouts, the colors, the different fonts, and artwork that brought the book to life. It was perfect. Jim did such an amazing job, and saw things that kept the book true to what Sarah would have loved. It was an amazing night just sitting with Jim, talking about the book, and the different things we loved. The different things that we felt made it perfect– different things that only he and I would get– as if Sarah, Jim, and I all had different hidden meanings brought together in this book… but no one person’s labor could be seen. The book unifies us, even if Sarah is no longer with us and I now live a few hours away. We are connected now, through this book as well.

I have not looked at the book in a while, and when we sat there, it felt like it came to life. Not because this is the final edit and a step closer to the end– to fin, but because of something I cannot tell you in words, something I cannot express. I guess you will understand soon. Still, to top it off, not only did I see it, but Jim printed off the book on large sheets of paper to make a demo print of the pages and somewhat rough book. Yes, paper and ink together making what looked to be a rough copy of the book. I finally got a trailer, a teaser, of what the book felt like. A guide to how it will feel, look, and fold; it was real and felt as if I should be dreaming. Because something this sweet, beautiful, and meaningful I felt could only come in a dream nowadays, because I am still bitter by how life can take so much from us in the most uncomfortable and awful ways.

But, this is no dream. It was real. I guess in reality this just proves me wrong, proves bitterness wrong. We maybe robbed in life from some amazing things that could have been and that were, but we only become completely lost when we stop seeing the beauty that is still around us. Like the smile of a newborn, a couple walking down an aisle after saying I do, and a stranger giving you a smile because they know life is as sweet as we make it.

Seeing this book in one of its final states was that moment that, even with the bitterness, sweetness was present. We just have to look for it, create it, and be open to it. The drive west on Friday was one of great sweetness and perfection. I drove back knowing that so much of our souls have been poured in to this book, and now I just hope and pray that we can raise the money to print the book and build a well, so that this story has a sweetness to the end that will make us all smile and be at peace with this journey.

2014-08-27 20.19.12

Waiting and Preparing for Fin

I guess that once you get towards the end, you start to think about the beginning. You start to look at how you got to this point, this moment. I guess when you get close to the end, you start to think of every moment that has passed. But we will stop right there and go no farther, because this is not the end just yet. Yet, I have been thinking, even dreaming about the end. About when we reach Fin, what I will say– if I will say anything– or just let it be. I have been thinking about what will unfold as the end becomes reality. Still, I have been trying not to think about it to much, so that reality will match the expectations I have for what will happen in the end.

But I can tell you this. The two photos I have seen of the art that is going in to the book are amazing. I will even give you a sneak peak:

AYOAMD Drawings

And, yes, those are hand drawn pictures, made just for this book, by Sarah’s brother Jim. Yes, I am in love with them, and I know that Sarah would be so excited to have them in the book and for them to be a part of this book.

I can also tell you this, that I will be making a trip back home for the single purpose to see book in its final stage before it is printed. Yes, Jim and I will be looking over the book together since the final edits are days away from finishing and we will preview the book together. From there we will be printing the first copy and then kicking off the fundraiser to sell the book and raise money to build a well in Sarah’s name. Still there are a few other parts of this that need to happen, but the main and most important thing is that the book, A YEAR OF ADVENTURES, MY DEAR will be done! Not just done, but it will be in my hands. I finally will be able to hold it, to thumb the pages that hold much more then pictures, words, and ink. But hold something so much more, something so much bigger then myself.

The hard part now is waiting till Friday to see the book. The waiting to see what two years of heartache, beautiful moments, and long hours looks like. While I wait for that day to come this week, Jim wants me to write an epilogue for the end of the book. An epilogue, the after words of the project, the thing that will be a closing to this whole journey… but how do you write that? How do you write the ending to a journey that is not done yet? There is even part of me that is not ready to write it. But it looks as if it is time to try; it looks as if tonight is the night to write the final words. Words that will be read, as the final page of the book is turn and closed after the owner of it has looked through the whole thing.

The reality is, Fin is almost here and I must get ready to greet its arrival, so that it is one of joy, happiness, love, and a bit of sorrow and with that I leave you to start my final words. I can’t wait for us to read them, for us to hold this book, for us to build a well in the name of an amazing woman that has help shape me into who I was, and who I am