Two years or seven hundred and thirty days if you want to be technical. But in a odd way that feels like forever and then at the same time not so long. Still its another year past of learning how to live life after tragedy. I think thats why after a war or battle or unpleasant event they call the time after everything has calmed down, the aftermath. Which to me is an odd word, aftermath. I guess people use that word because they mathematically try to calculate how long it will take to rebuild, to heal, to learn a new way of doing things when something has been broken and can’t be fixed. But that word seems so cold and has no hope or life to it, because I know for me, for us that math and numbers can’t help, they just put a timeline to our live.
I will be honest with you, I don’t know if I will ever sleep well the night before today, I don’t know what this day will hold anymore, and I am not sure what next year will look like. But in the not knowing I guess that is where you find hope that something better is to come, something better is out there and we just need to hold on because we will get to find that something that is so much great then this tragedy. I guess I am just holding on to the idea that there has to be some kind of good from all of this. Maybe its the book, or maybe it’s the reminder to live a life like Sarah did, one that was filled with love and passion. Or maybe its something that I will never see or come to know and if thats the case I just hope that something good comes.
So, I don’t know if you fell apart today, I don’t know if you are still putting back together parts of your life because of this. But I know this day will always be uncomfortable because of what it holds. For me I am going to Art Prize (something I have a love and hate for) with two of Sarah’s and my closet friends. The day will be filled with remembering the better times and not dwelling on the these past to years. Today may even be underscored by sleeping at last. I know in the mist of trying to find good, there will be break downs, sad silent moments, tears, and even messages of people that they are praying for me and for us. But even in all of that, I hope you press on and live with love and passion as we learned from Sarah.
We had a year of morning and now another year has past.
I always feel like I am lost for time. Not knowing how long things have been. I used to know. After Sarah past I could tell you by the day how long she has been gone. till something changed and it was not about remembering the how long, but fighting a battle to just remember her. Remembering her smile, he laugh, how she would scrunch up her noise and talk in a high pitch voice when she was excited. It’s more about remembering the person then the time they have been gone. I hope that is what you do today. You remember her. You remember how she lived, what she meant in your life, and the wonderful moments you had together. Remember those things, because in the darkest of days, when we fill them with joyful moments they don’t seems as dark.
I love and miss you Sarah.
“Cry wolf, cry mercy, cry the name of the one you were raised to believe
Cry heart, cry yourself to sleep, cry a storm of tears if it helps you breathe
It helps you, if it helps you breathe” -Sleeping At Last